I happened to be alive. I happened to be aware and hoped to be conscious and in control of myself when I decided to visit D2. What is D2? Where is D2? It’s nowhere. Nowhere can be anywhere; anywhere with no name attached to it, anywhere that’s not anticipating to be noticed, anywhere which is desperate for your attention, anywhere may be beyond within or within beyond, or it may just be no where. What I did was – give a stage to my imagination and let it create a figment. Then I included it in my thoughts, provided it my flesh and soul. It started to get a structure as it found shelter against reality within me. I call it D.
But my imagination, showcasing its dominance and control of my thought and eventually my reality made me believe, and I still do believe that D is not complete yet. It is enough the way it is. It is content being a part of me. Still it’s awaiting to embrace something that’s not me and yet it is nowhere. I am really sanguine about finding that. I would like D to feel complete. That is the least I can do for it. I have assigned a conscience to D myself and I make it continuously scrutinize my remaining self, the real one (Really?), to make me feel bad. There is something strangely masochistic in a non-sexual way about this constant self-criticism that D very prudently directs towards me.
So, it happens often that when I open my eyes, it’s to hear about what D is looking for. It again happens often that when I allow my ears to explicitly see, it’s to find what D is hoping to hear about. But, I am at my best when both are working together. It is an absurd thought as it differs from reality. But D is far from reality, and when it takes my control it also drives me away from reality in search of nowhere. But the reality of my mortal existence is involuntarily decided and it is certain until I meet the anti-life or death as we know it. This is what creates confusion, for even when I am transparent to real thoughts, a thin lamination of my physical existence announces to the world what I am. So am I here or am I not? Can’t this be nowhere?
This further solidifies my belief of actually finding the other half of D. Yes, the other half of the taboo and distanced lovers, the forbidden couples bound to be divorced if ever together – a prelude of separation out of real norms and make belief reasons, again due to real expectations and restrictions. Hopeless Romantics.
I hope the beginning makes some sense now. Let’s start again from where I left. I happened to be alive. I happened to be aware and hoped to be conscious and in control of myself when I decided to visit D2. Let's call it D2 now that you know D is a part of me. It was precisely 2 hours ago that I set out on this journey of identification. I set out with nothing on mind. I set out with nothing in mind. I remember handing the controls of – (i) My thoughts (ii) My impulses (iii) My aptitude to D. I gave D the power to manipulate me over these parameters. My emotions, my morality, and my conscience were explicitly left out.
The start of my journey was announced by a voice as it declared to the world of my departure from the station that I boarded from. The relevance fades as the journey begins. The journey followed on the tracks of a bashful snigger – half oppressed and half controlled all while bashing the purpose. The journey imitated an existential crisis. Let me explain why. It’s an interesting comparison. It began, all mighty and sturdy wearing the beautiful ornaments of identity with youthful expression and dreams that are innocent at parts but selfish. Until the middle part of the journey when you start to understand the selfish part. What bothers you now is that innocent outlook that you had foundationed until just now. What begins to bother you even more after some time is the plastic and selfish dream that you are chasing. The journey continues. Time is wasted, and energy is burnt. Now you reach towards the end of your mental and self-created crises. When you meet a detour, destined at a different dream, often due to selfishness recently awoken inside you by the D; when it was controlling you. D is smart. It makes you think that it is foolish. It makes you think that your emotions are yours alone. But that isn’t the case. D is slowly turning into the master. It makes you do as D pleases. You still do have your conscience and morality. They are still virgins, surviving the assaults - the repeated virile attempts by D to dominate them, along with you. So now you follow the only logical solution. You again give the stage to your imagination under the supervision of your conscience, which conceives out of you another figment. We may refer to it as D-II. There is now a challenge to the reigning master. There will now be a struggle. If situations are in favor, if morals are not broken, and if the conscience remains the same; we may witness dissent against D leading finally to the unanimous coronation of D-II.
I was dejected. I was lost. I was heading back home after spending my entire day out. I found nothing. I was travelling mid-air while cutting through it, standing inside this metallic body functioning as a service for the fulfillment of my desire or need to reach home. As I stood inside in between the crowd of such diverse demography and strata, my eyes wandered listlessly as they observed other passengers sharing the same air as me. It was then suddenly that my eyes randomly went outside the window.
A flight of birds crowded the air parallel to the moving window. The birds were playfully flying accompanying, chasing, catching, and dodging from each other like a game of tag. Out of the ordinary bunch, there was one ordinary bird that caught my eye. There was nothing special about that one. Just my introduction to the scene was accompanied by a small, cute bird gliding supply in the wind showcasing its aerodynamical genius as it raced against me. I remember being surprised how the bird was not only keeping up with my speed but also playing around with other birds. I was completely invested in the trail of the bird when suddenly the bird flapped its wings – almost stopping the glide and thrusting its way up dodging the birds coming from behind. It very beautifully flapped into a new course, a completely different trail committing to a mid-air backflip as it successfully escaped the birds and got mixed into the flight. I noticed all of this happening, not losing track of the bird. Then I saw towards the end of it all, that the little bird had something inside its beak. It was small but noticeable. Maybe they were never playing around. I was shocked at how such a subtle observation could change the reality of the situation. All the birds were chasing around that one bird, that one beautiful self-sufficient bird that was trying every moment to proclaim its position. But do the birds really think like that? They are just trying to survive. Survive at the expense of their companions succumbing to not having something to eat. Survive at the expense of their companions not catching up to them. While the other birds are chasing hopelessly into nowhere – hoping that they could perhaps get that; that which some other bird already has. The bird getting chased has everywhere to fly to. It can fly to anywhere, and that has relevance for the bird. But the crowd, the chasers, the strugglers are just aimlessly going after it. As the bird mixed into the flight, there was confusion among the birds, and there was confusion in me too. Where is the bird? Where did it go? I was wondering all this when my overwhelming and mechanical speed boastfully hastened and increased the gap between this standing human and the free bird. I lost them. But their wings were still flapping in my head, and I soared high. High above – probably the closest to reality that I have ever been.
At that moment I began to wonder. What was I to that bird? What relevance did I play in the minutes of our companionship? The bird flew parallel to me, with its small beak full of its purpose, and I was travelling beside with my mind invested upon these energetic flying creatures. I was nothing to it. Nothing. I know that. Maybe there was some physical relevance of the metro, that had me inside. That’s why none of the bird’s flight was towards me. It was aware to be away from this moving unnatural force of noise. Besides that. It didn’t care. It didn’t care as I watched and even tried to locate my bird. My bird? I have already begun to think of some possessive attachment and mutual bond with that bird. I am already thinking of claiming, what we had in those moments to be our personal air. There was a perfect balance of freedom and struggle vs despair as it flew somehow, just following a mechanized and trained human.
I was still recovering from what I had just witnessed when a thought hit me – Is this bird aware, that there is another bird called the hummingbird; which can fly backward and is faster at that too? I am sure that this flying joy is not aware of that. I want to tell it. I want it to know and see how it reacts. I want to have a look at whether it changes its flight or not. Oh. How much do I want to take a look at that! But I am sure that it doesn’t care. Not until its beak is full.
My imagination was contaminated as it experienced something so real for the first time (after a long long time). My consciousness soared high above D. It was beyond its reach for the first time. If some ingestion had to be done, this was the time.
I am aware of flight sports. I know how birds are bred for the purpose of sports to humans. For the purpose of enjoyment, gambling, corruption, and social interaction of the humans. The birds that I witnessed could very much have been under the watchful eye of a mechanized human. If that were the case – these birds would have had a completely different reason, a completely different purpose. There would not have been any need to fly after full beaks. Then these birds would have been no different from a human, flapping away from his humanity chasing after the inhumane; gliding along society towards the end. How can I let these birds know the joy of being free? How can I show them, that what they are right now, is so much better than what they could have been.
Now I stood alone, in the crowd but still felt desolate. I could see the lights shining bright just over my head. They were insisting me to close my eyes. But with my eyes closed, I am left alone with a voice that iterates and re-iterates to me in a chant of scrutinous anthem, about myself. Yes, this is the voice of D. My legs began to shiver as a chill went down my spine. I started to look around. I became anxious, as I was trapped in this close space, with people around me who cared about no one. I can feel the uninterest in everyone. I started to palpate my forehead, which had gone freezing cold. There were no empty seats. I started to wander around, looking for a seat. I was moving down the aisle in a frenzy, totally out of control. I was completely dominated by the tension that ensued inside the entirety of the compartment, by me and those of my kind.
Suddenly, the metro stopped at some interlinking station and a huge crowd got off. I was relieved. Luckily I was able to find a seat and I sat down quickly overtaking another man who had drooling intentions of resting on the seat as well. I let out a sigh of relief. I was seated facing my back towards the window, out of which I had seen my bird. Now, as I meandered my eyes around, it rested on the man who wasn’t fast enough to claim my seat. The man was around thirty-five years old. He carried around him a confident air and he wasn’t alone. He was there with his family of four. Wife, and two kids; a boy and a girl. I know this much as it was pretty readable considering the protective and persistent gaze, he kept towards his wife and kids. They were seated right in front of me, parallel to my seat and facing towards me. The kids were small, the girl was the elder one. There was something about this family that caught my attention. I don’t usually judge people and that too strangers, but they were dressed really modestly and their body language had it stenciled all over - the purity of a middle class. The kids were tired. They were resting with their heads on the lap of their mother – who was like a wall in between her two kids, a warm, comforting, and cushiony wall. She had her arms around her kids, one on each side; protecting them from the repeated shudder and jolts of travel. She was looking towards her husband. In the silence, their thoughts have probably already discussed about him not getting the seat. It was such a deep and modest gaze. People can probably have entire conversations without even speaking, if – just if you have someone who looks at you in that way. It was love. The entire family carried with them into this cold compartment, that which the bird outside was carrying inside its beak.
I was still recovering from the delirious episode that had just hit me. There was a craving starting to develop within me. My imagination immediately took the opportunity and began to desire for a life like this. Not a life which resembles theirs, but the relief and peace identical to theirs; a freedom identical to the bird’s. It will be such a privilege to be able to experience something so humane, so real that it seems like a dream.
This is when D-II was conceived. It immediately gained the trust of my conscience. It too, like D aimed to be somewhere. If I can understand what D-II wants, it will be to be at peace. It too like D, didn’t know what and how that will be. But still, right now it has the support of every thinking cell that builds me. It was the perfect opportunity, the moment could not be left in vain. I hoped for once on this gloomy day about something. I hoped after a long time. I could feel the warmth returning back to me. I could feel my eyes burning, my forehead getting warmer and my heartbeat getting normal. I could feel all this happening.
I was lost in my thoughts. I was staring at infinity, resting at peace with my head leaning against the window. When suddenly, I sensed someone sitting beside me. I didn’t realize when the seat was vacated, I just observed a manly figure sitting beside me. He too like me released a sigh of relief. I instantly understood the sound. Such a sound can only be relieved by someone who is fighting his own demons, his own problems, his D. I looked to my left only to find the same man sitting beside me. There were big dark circles below his eyes. His face looked tired, extremely tired. As soon as he seated himself, he looked straight at his wife, who was already looking back at him; weaving the most charming and most beautiful Duchenne Smile. I was busy looking at the two of them when I observed the husband signaling her to be ready as they will be deporting soon. The wife, responsibly shook her head in support and then very calmly pushed her head behind, leaning it against the window; then she half closed her eyes – trying to rest. She had that natural smile of satisfaction and acceptance still attached to her weak face.
The trio seated themselves beautifully in front of me. They were probably the most simple people that I saw today. It is very difficult to maintain this simplicity. They were not even trying, it was just manifesting through them. I can only wish to be this simple. I can only hope that someday my writings could attain simplicity like this. At that moment I only wished my mind and brain to be at such harmony, such peace. So much warmth and kindness spread, just by looking at this scene. Nothing could have elevated the impact anymore. But then. But then, I looked at the man beside me. He was just looking straight at his resting wife who was embracing their little ones, protecting them. The man was not blinking. He was staring at them continuously and endlessly as if smitten by their love. Smitten by the fact that he knows his wife and she loves him back. Together they have raised and brought up those two kind creatures who probably love and respect him in the purest way possible. He share space and time with them without any contract, without any give or take. Just pure love. There was an unnoticeable but evident smile along his lips, which was getting stronger and stronger. I was not admiring the masculinity of a man, the protective nature of a man, or any such preposterous thought, I was just admiring a hardworking man; who was tired but awake for the sake of his family. He looked to me like the happiest man in the world. The smile. His smile marked the instant coronation of D-II. There was no D now. It ceased to exist, it was overshadowed and flushed by the extreme bliss I felt at that moment. I wish to smile like that someday.
D would have wanted that as well. D didn’t wish bad for me. D just lacked something, and until now we were unaware of what this something was. I am sure, that D was able to attain what it had hoped. I am sure that in its final moment, D must have imagined D-II as its D2. D must have imagined their final confrontation as the ethereal mate dance, a ritual of assisted suicide that ends with the salsa of death dancing to the tunes of nowhere. D has had a glorious life. D lived seeking to find D2. It made me search, for what it lacked. I too troubled myself day and night. I too wanted to reach this nowhere and see for myself, see for myself what a complete D feels like. I never thought and neither did D. That perhaps, D2 had always been within me. D2 was just dormant waiting to be awoken by the needed sacrifice of D. D knows too, that it can not be around forever. It needs to be replaced. With time.
Finally, a voice again announced to me and then to the world – that I have reached my destination. It is finally time to take my leave for my home is waiting for my return. It is very important for one to know when to get off and where to head to. I was just lucky, extremely lucky that I had a place I’d want to head to. No matter the time, no matter the circumstance; somewhere I will be welcomed forever. Somewhere that is not anywhere, that is definitely not nowhere. My Home.
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