Immoral Clown

         

I have the conscience of a human. This much I know for I seem to have memories. I know about memories and what they are from my memories itself. It is such a loop that the proof of my knowledge and the reason - why I am the way I am consists within the reason itself. It’s like I’m inside water and I know that I’m inside water, but without actually understanding that the ecosystem thrives beyond too. It must not be making sense right? Well, it definitely won’t for I am a clown. No disrespect to those in the human society; I am talking about being a Clown Fish. It’s strange to even imagine but that’s who I am - now. It’s like Kafka’s metamorphosis. No, I won’t flatter myself. That’s an incorrect comparison and you’ll know why soon.

                       

I remember being a lawyer. The profession surmounted to me somehow sleeping peacefully every night; but my days were always busy. I remember being unhappy with the life I lived, but mostly by the people who surrounded me. I was always surrounded by convicts, rapists, dissatisfied wives, guilty husbands and sometimes my unbecoming conscience. Yes, the worst of all. I remember helping many morally incorrigible wives and husbands to get an upper hand over their partners. I’m not stating that my clients were right or wrong, it was never something to be defined as black or white. Afterall you can never trust a human engulfed in lust. Still, I played games to get the morality out and let the legality win. It always helped me to make my ends meet.

I never married. I never felt the need. And now, I am a fish. When I woke up again, my existence had changed entirely. I remember being a frantic as a human; to explore about my existence. I was looking for answers. I never really even understood the questions, but those answers; they made me feel my worth. And now, I don’t remember what happened to me after my death. And it doesn’t even matter anymore.

If I were to draw parallels between my life then and now. It won’t be an understatement that these fishes are too loyal. Yes, they are. I’m directly comparing in terms of loyalty because of some personal reasons. You’ll know that too in some time. But it’s damn true. I was the second largest in my herd (to avoid any confusion, lets refer to it as a herd. Though it’s something like a social group), universe favoured me to naturally get the largest fish (the female) as my mate. My one and only. My sweetheart. I would have been embarrassed, if my human self could somehow take a glance at what’s going in my head right now. What I was thinking. But that’s how hormones and biology work, I guess. Frankly speaking, I don’t know. I just know that I loved my mate a lot. I could not help mating with her over and over again. We have a lot of offsprings together. I had a family and I was happy. Until.

As a human, I had my interests in sociology, in law, in psychology (a little) but not at all in biology. In biology too I hated marine biology. So, I knew nothing. I literally knew nothing about what specie I am, or what my local ecosystem is like, or how my social hierarchy here works. I knew nothing. And it was not a problem. Nope, it never was. Because I was happy until last month.

Last month, my family faced a tragedy. My mate, my dear died. Yes, it was sudden but being a fish; there weren’t any particular rites that had to be followed. And I don’t know why but I didn’t feel any sadness. It seems, I only have my memories, my emotions are totally different here. Now I was the largest in my herd. I had no idea, no frickin’ idea until today that –

Once the largest fish in the herd dies (female), the second largest fish becoming the largest converts into a female.

Yup. You read it right. But I didn’t read it anywhere. I directly felt changes inside my body. I definitely changed biologically but emotionally and psychologically too, I transformed entirely. I became a completely different person. Sorry fish. I was still a clown, just a different one. Both personally (fishally?) and socially. It was a funny transition, and you definitely know it when after your wife’s death, you engage yourself in looking for another mate; when suddenly your preferences change. It was a funny feeling. A part of me seemed to laugh it off. But that’s who I was. I cannot change it. And frankly speaking, how does that matter? I don’t have any problem. It was not an issue in the fish’s social law.

It was still fine. Life was going on smoothly. Until.

My kids. All males. Logically so too, for being the largest; I was the female now. Now, my brain understands and my conscience knows that they are my offsprings with my late wife. But biologically my body sees them as males and potential mates. I had no control over my body. This social structure was like a dictator to my body. Its rules were like testaments that had to be followed. They were instilled deep within my body, and those of my kids. What begins to happen is what I feared the most.

The law of attraction. Valid for humans and for fishes.

My largest son. He suddenly starts to spend more time with me. Maybe it was his biology acting out of ordinary. I don’t blame him. How could I? When I myself wished for our personal time together. The only thing that my mind would always think of was the only thought that my human conscience hated.

It was arousing, my little fish head was all whirlpools over my son. Such a messed-up scenario this is. Incest. Taboo. Forbidden. Mentally unstable. A few keywords that the humans would consider.

If I recall right, there were fragments of the society - who would’ve ignored these morally corrupt thoughts. They would have had no problems at all. Then there would be others who would try to understand psychologically, and help the person overcome their past traumas. And finally, there would be the general public who couldn’t even fathom such an inhumane relationship even in the darkest dreams of their deep fantasies. Their Kinks.

I seem to have belonged to the last category. And it was just unacceptable. I was in a dilemma. I found myself around fishes, my own kind, own blood, but still I felt attracted to them. I lost my sense of reality. There was no identity I could identify with. I was neither a human nor a fish. Neither a male nor female. I have been all of these over time. I know how my previous selves used to think over my current self. I know how my action now would be out of ordinary and even morally incoherent, with respect to any of my past’s POV.

As a human, I used to condemn the law. Why was cheating or infidelity even legally acceptable? Isn’t it just morally wrong? I used to hate those around me who used to practice it. Even if they had a reason, still I cannot let cheating slide. Still, I helped them. Still, they felt happy, they felt free afterwards. But never would have I imagined myself practising infidelity (though not exactly) but even incest. It was appalling. It was out of any question. There was no doubt to it. I don’t want to do that. But this body. Oh! This accursed body. It gives me no control.

There is no self, for this fish. There is one - of a human ghost, which is connected to this body. But this fish. Yeah, not at all. Without any morals, shameful, even worse that humans. But who am I to draw parallels in morality, for it was me who always followed and favoured the law. It was me, who disrespected the global laws of human morality. It was either that, or I have been thinking of a narrative, a socially acceptable narrative, which no one hates. A narrative which wouldn’t accept to lovers uniting. A narrative which was not liberal enough to break the bounds of familial relations. A narrative which could never accept infidelity or incest.

I don’t care, what it is. All I know now is that. The ocean is a dark place to swim.